Monday, March 8, 2010

Getting Real & Back to Basis

March 1, 2010 at 4:03 a.m my entire world turned upside down. With the loss of my cousin, I thought that something special had come to an end. Little did I know that it was just beginning: of something wonderful.

I always deal with stressful situations by trying to take care of those around me. In essence, I DON'T deal. This time was different. I couldn't shake it.  While I did focus on taking care of my family, when I was alone I was beside myself. My thoughts would go to his his parents (my Aunt & Uncle), his brothers ( my cousins) and his lil' nephew that he never got to meet.  I would just sit and cry. I cried, not for Curtis because he was free: of pain, of stress; but for all the opportunities lost, for all the moments that I wont have with him. I mourn because I wish I had been there more. I wish I'd taken the time to sit with him more, talk to him more, laugh with him more, tell him that I love him more. As I look back on my times with Curtis, I realized that MOST of them were with me in a hurry. "Yack yack yack...okay cuz, imma holla at you later."  Only time I was really able to sit with him was when my sister would download music for him and he'd sit across the kitchen table, and we'd laugh and talk. I spent more time leaned halfway in his car with him than anything else. One of my favorite memories of him was at my wedding. Cuz was in pain but had his swag on. :-) White shirt, black pants, cane~In as much pain as he was in, he came to MY wedding. I was honored.

I am sad to say that the most time I spent with him was in the final weeks leading up to his death. I can't help but feel that I was a day late and a dollar short. NOTHING was more important to me than being there for those moments. In the beginning, never in my WILDEST dreams did I think Curt would leave us. He had come back from complete organ failure 10 years previous. So a little pneumonia? Pish Posh. But 1 week in, my optimism began to vanish. But then a few days later, he would be doing well. That rollercoaster went on for four L  O  N  G  ass weeks. When he passed, I must admit that there was a sense of relief. He wasn't in pain. He was finally able to be at peace. But my pain and mourning, as I stated, was for us left behind to live life without him.

Ok. So now I am rambling. The lesson: Even in the midst of so much loss, it took a really good friend to remind me of all the things I had to be thankful for.  One of those things was that Curtis WAS gone. At first I was pissed. THANKFUL? Are you kidding?? Then, I understood. Yes. Thankful: he is not in pain. Thankful that I was able to be there. Thankful that I had him in my life. Thankful for the lessons I have learned with his passing: how important my family is; how lucky I am to have an awesome support system of friends; how working hard all the time isnt the way to go~need to spend more time cultivating my friendships and relationships with others. To make more time for fun. To continue to hug and kiss my sons and tell em everyday how much I love them.

In the midst of all this tragedy, lessons were learned. Lessons to live by. I hope that everyone who is reading this will make a vow to tell the people that you care about how you feel about them, often. Remember the things that you have to be thankful for: for me, the list is long. Each of you are one thing. Then I have my kids, my family, a career that I enjoy, a job, a place to live, food in my fridge, and LOTS of memories to carry me through.

It felt good getting back to working out today. After my intense cardio session, as I attempting to do my cool down, I burst into tears. All those pent up emotions that I had been pushing down came out. ABSOLUTE stress relief.

I wish you all love, peace and happiness. I wish us all a great 2010 because it has definitely gotten off to a shitty start, but that just means that it can only get bettter. Until next time,
Yours in Health, Fitness, and Wellness,
Karen